Saturday, February 22, 2014

Actions and Words

I used to be the kind of girl that believed anything people told me. Some people like to call it "naive" I like to call it trusting. I just didn't understand why people would need to lie to me. I think the moment I started becoming cynical was when I worked behind the return desk at walmart. I would see items that had clearly been stolen and were being returned for gift cards. Clothes that had been worn out being returned because they didn't fit... Oh and once I actually got taken by someone that had stolen a "leather" jacket from target and was returning it to walmart. They had switched the tag with one in our store and I didn't look closely enough to realize it. I ended up giving away quite a bit of money on that one.

 Anyhow, my point is that at some point I realized people aren't always what they seem. However, I did not realize that the person that I loved would have any reason to lie to me.  I trusted him when he told me he loved me.  He said it all the time, he had to mean it.  He had to mean it even though he lied to me about other things...  He had to mean it even though he never wanted to spend time with me.  He had to mean it even though when asked why he love me, he said "I don't know, I just do"... He had to mean it even though he was cruel to me, even though he would choose his family, friends (or anything really) above me...  He had to mean it even though when asked "would you still love me if I got fat" his answer was "no" (accompanied with laughter).   He had to mean it because he said it all the time.

It's too bad that I never really realized that actions speak louder than words.  If I had been smart enough to look past the words "I love you" I would have seen the truth.  If I'd had my eyes wide open instead of partially closed then I would have seen the truth.  In a perfect world we wouldn't have to worry about this, but unfortunately we live in a world where things are rarely as they seem.  People lie, cheat, steal, hurt whoever they want without even a second thought.  Actually I don't even think that there is much of a first thought...

I thought I had learned my lesson, but I have so much hope in my heart that people will be truthful and be as they seem that I once again fell prey to the same lies from the same person.  It didn't hurt me nearly as badly as it did the first time, but how does one fall into the same trap twice?  How do I protect myself from falling for this again?  By guarding my heart.  Looking past the slimy words and seeing the true heart.  Not trying to make things into what I want them to be.  Sometimes I think I'm so caught up in what I want that I fail to see what really is.

I don't know why I wrote this other than just to get this off my chest.  Sometimes it's hard for me to deal with the fact that someone hurt me and they don't care.  It means nothing to them, it doesn't hurt them to think about it, it doesn't bring any kind of regret or pain.  I hate that and so I write because it does no good to do anything else.  It also makes me feel foolish and just ashamed of myself.  The truth is that he should feel that way not me.  I'm the one that was truthful and real and there is no shame in that, but I'm the one that feels the shame.

So I am forced to wonder what brings a person to the place where they want hear the words "I love you" so badly that they accept it even when there is no proof.   This 2nd time I was cut off from my world unable to contact my family or friends. I was lonely and around a lot of people in love.  I was an outsider and so I just wanted to be accepted.  I wanted to be a part of something.  I was ripe for the picking.


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